I am a 51 year old woman. I have struggled with addiction since I was 13 years old. I had about a 15 year period in my life that I was clean and sober. I was raising my two kids and involved in church. I did not have the desire to use during that time of my life. When my oldest boy turned 13 years old he started to get into trouble. I naturally thought I just had to pray harder and longer. It seems the more I prayed the worse he got. I did this for a couple of years. During this period I felt God had abandoned me. I eventually left the church and God. I came to the realization that God worked in other peoples lives just not mine. The addiction came back into my life slowly at first and then with a vengence. I have tried alcoholics anonymous and narcotics anonymous and I know deep in my heart that God has more for me than that. I am trying on a daily basis to get back to where I was. I know that God can remove this from me. He has done it before. I know that God has a plan for me. I just don't know what it is. I am open and willing. I have to believe that God is a God of second chances or I have no reason to live.

Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl who fell in love. That boy was secretly swallowed up in the belly of shame. He loved that girl more than he could bear and when he told her of his secret, he broke at seeing the pain of what he had done. This girl felt the ground crack wide open beneath her and everything she had painstakingly built, brick by brick, crumble slowly into a crevice. She held tight to their two sons and the precious baby girl surprise on the way. He tried and tried to break away from the noose, but his hand was not strong. The boy was being dragged deeper into a pit and watching all the way, the girl become more broken and lost. And watching all the way, his children stumbled into the rubble he left along the way, bruised and bleeding.

But Love came in one day and strengthened his hand to break the noose and guided the boy to a path that would lead to freedom. It is steep and treacherous and hard to breathe sometimes. And Love came in and offered the girl a hand, safe and strong. And she could climb, steep and treacherous and hard to breathe sometimes. Being carried at places. At places secured. Her legs grew strong, and she could reach that boy and pull him up at places. And she could feed him and hold him and warm him and raise his grip to that safe strong hand. That all she had built that lay in ruins was not lost. Those bricks can be rebuilt. That Love, that strong, true, deep Love, could lead her to an eternal palace that cannot crumble. In that place she can go and go and go and be loved and be angry and bandage the wounds and not fear and grow strong.
Little by little, Love restores the hearts and hope of this girl and of her children.

Little by little, Love constantly restores that boy to freedom and strength and constantly teaches that girl to love and forgive and stand. That boy becomes a man, and that girl a warrior crafting her skill and weapons. Nimble and sure on the trail, reaching others on the climb and lifting and warming and feeding. Returning to the eternal place for strength and hope and rest.

I couldn't stand to be alone and I made sure that I wasn't. After my 13 year marriage ended in divorce I started to reach out to God but that was short lived. I thought another relationship was the answer to my pain. When that relationship fizzled out I jumped into another one and then another. What I really needed was a relationship with God. God slowly opened my eyes and showed me my sin. He let me feel the pain that my sin caused others, myself and God. After justifying and justifying and justifying so the choices I made would fit into the category of a nice life I was enlightened to my disillusionment. I could see my failure. I mourned my blatant disregard for God. I wanted to be clean. I wanted a better way. At that point my life started to go into a new direction. It was not overnight but a gradual process of building a relationship that I neglected for so long. It was like one of those makeover shows. Every time they look in the mirror they are more and more pleased with the little changes. I felt more and more pleased with what God was doing in me. At times it was painful and still is, but when I look back I realize that even though I justified things I knew that I was dirty. I knew that I had pushed God aside and that I was living for my own pleasure. What God has done though is He has made His pleasures my pleasures. I don't miss anything about my life in the past. It seems like someone elses nightmare that I do not want to step into. I am on a one way bridge now and the further I get the more beautiful the scenery, the fresher the air, the more calm the river, the smoother the rocks, and the more colorful the leaves. Although scary and challenging at times I realized that I am not alone. I was never alone. All I needed to do was give in to my Helper and let Him help. A life in Christ is a gentle breeze on my face that I would never want to turn away from. The more and more I turn into the breeze the more the coolness regenerates my soul. God has also given me a new husband, a Godly man. We have been married for almost six years now. He gave me a second chance with the man he thought best for me. We both serve Christ now. When I let God lead he led me the right way.